


Whoops

by angularspeed



Series: Seongjoong Week 2020 [6]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Drinking to Cope, Growing Apart, Interns & Internships, M/M, Music Major!Hongjoong, cause i cant Write, cause rl shit yk?, idk major!seonghwa, nothing too explicit tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24539827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angularspeed/pseuds/angularspeed
Summary: Seonghwa laughed bitterly, the sound of his laughter echoing in his head, harsh and grating.“If Hongjoong were to choose between me and his dream,” he paused, lips curling upwards in a sad smile,“He would always, always choose his dream.”Or: Seonghwa and Hongjoong slowly drift away, in a retelling consisting of 3 parts: the before, the now, and the after.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: Seongjoong Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746814
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Whoops

**Author's Note:**

> tw // mentions of drinking (but nothing too explicit)
> 
> the hugest thank you goes to [yudofu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yudofu/pseuds/yudofu) for sticking w me through this entire week, betaing my works (including this one), and answering my questions! <3

_ THE BEFORE. _

Seonghwa would do almost anything to return to the before. 

The before when he could wake up with Hongjoong in his arms, his hair tickling the bottom of Seonghwa’s nose, sunlight streaming in from the windows. 

The before when he could watch Hongjoong animatedly talk about the new piece of music he was producing, eyes shining with that spark that Seonghwa found himself falling for. 

The before when he could borrow Hongjoong’s headphones to hear his half-composed piece, to hum in acknowledgment and comment on it, watching as the music fell together. 

The before when he could walk to the corner 7 Eleven store, hand in hand with Hongjoong, buying silver hair dye so Hongjoong could change his hair color, laughing all the way back home. 

The before when he could smile fondly at the sight of Hongjoong eating, his cheeks stuffed with food, reminiscent of a squirrel with puffy cheeks. 

The before when he could find himself sitting on the edge of his bed for hours, just falling asleep with the weight of Hongjoong’s head on his chest. 

The before when he could tuck Hongjoong under his neck, sighing softly as Hongjoong pressed closer to him, a loose arm around his waist. 

Despite what changed, it didn’t change the way Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong. 

To Seonghwa, Hongjoong was his everything. His start, his end. 

He would marvel at the other every single day, wondering how so much talent, hard work, and passion could fit into one person. 

Sometimes Hongjoong would catch Seonghwa staring at him with stars in his eyes, and Hongjoong would blush, causing Seonghwa to lean forward to cradle his cheek gently, watching amusedly as Hongjoong’s entire face erupted into flames. 

Seonghwa was never really someone to believe in forever. 

But with Hongjoong, who was so utterly breathtaking and gentle and  _ beautiful _ , Seonghwa could let himself believe that perhaps if forever existed, it was with this boy with huge dreams that billowed after him, constantly chasing after his steps. 

Loving Hongjoong felt like breathing underwater. 

He wasn’t supposed to, he often told himself. Hongjoong, who earned every single right to leave him, had instead stayed with Seonghwa through it all. 

It felt exhilarating, his heart almost exploding as Hongjoong smiled that crooked yet fond smile of his upon seeing him. 

Sometimes he could barely breathe out of fear that he would do something to disturb the moment and the situation before him would shatter into pieces. 

His lungs felt like they were constantly underwater, gulping for air, his breath constantly taken away. 

But somehow, when Hongjoong smiled, everything was alright again. 

That didn’t mean Hongjoong was  _ perfect _ . 

No, it was humanly impossible to be perfect. But Seonghwa didn’t want him to be perfect. 

He wanted Hongjoong as he was, every single part of him. 

The Hongjoong that spent countless hours bent over his laptop composing. The Hongjoong that sometimes snapped when he was grumpy. The Hongjoong that cried out of relief when a major project of his was completed. 

Seonghwa’s purpose was not to complete Hongjoong. No, his purpose was to stay by his side, to accompany him through everything that happened. 

That was Seonghwa’s one regret. 

He didn’t complete his purpose. 

_ THE NOW.  _

Seonghwa wasn’t exactly sure when they started drifting apart. 

Was it when he came home only to realize that the bed was empty, for countless days? 

Or was it before that? 

He didn’t know, but he remembered that the crack between them became glaringly obvious when Hongjoong continued to stay in the studio overnight for over a week. 

Normally Hongjoong would come home around midnight or sometimes, if Seonghwa was lucky, before then, grumbling under his breath as he fell into bed. 

But it was different then. 

Hongjoong didn’t come back at all. Even after Seonghwa shot him a quick message to remind him to take care of himself, he was left on “Delivered.” 

Worry pooled in Seonghwa’s stomach, but he convinced himself that Hongjoong would be fine, slowly pulling up the blanket covers, nothing quite easing the empty hole in his heart. 

But then the news came unexpectedly to him, a whirlwind of shock. 

Yunho whispered to him in the college cafeteria during lunch, “Aren’t you going to give Hongjoong something soon as a parting gift?” 

Seonghwa froze, his eyes wide. “What… A parting gift? What for?” 

Yunho frowned slightly. “Don’t tell me you don’t know that Hongjoong’s going to leave?” 

If Seonghwa found it hard to breathe when Hongjoong was by his side, that was nothing compared to now. His heart stopped entirely, Yunho’s words registering only in some distant part of his mind. 

Fear rushed through his veins, his hands now clammy and cold. A sharp jolt ran through his body, not the thrilled one that he got from being with Hongjoong, but a cold one, that fed on his worry and concern. 

Yunho took his silence as a “No.” He chuckled slightly, but it wasn’t out of amusement. “I thought Hongjoong told you already.” 

He sighed as he spoke. “Hongjoong’s leaving in a day or two for his internship in America.” 

In Seonghwa’s mind, a memory resurfaced. He recalled a few weeks ago when Hongjoong mentioned offhandedly that he would be working on a submission that might land him an internship. 

Seonghwa had hummed in acknowledgment, assuming that the internship was local, not… on the other side of the world. 

Seonghwa sat there, dumbfounded. 

Yunho sighed again. “I’m not sure if you, let alone anyone at all, can convince him to stay,” he said, standing up from the lunch table. “But I hope you’ll be able to sort it out.” 

Seonghwa slowly swallowed, his mouth dry. He no longer felt hungry. 

☽☽☽

When he arrived home, Hongjoong was already there, sitting on the floor of their shared bedroom, hands busy stacking folded clothing into suitcases. 

It felt like it was only then that the reality sank its sharp fangs into Seonghwa’s mind, its poison running its course through his body. 

“Hongjoong?” Seonghwa stuttered, his eyes wide. 

Hongjoong froze, slowly turning around to face Seonghwa. He then lowered his head, avoiding his eyes. 

“I… was going to tell you sometime,” Hongjoong muttered, running a hand through his hair nervously. 

“I just didn’t want you to know that I was leaving you,” he laughed wryly, his head shaking. “I’m pathetic, I know, I just wanted you to be happy so I could maybe pretend that I wasn’t leaving.” 

“I’m so fucking shitty.” 

He hid his face in his hands, his quiet sobs filling the silence in the room. 

Seonghwa rushed to his side by default, holding him, arms snaking around his waist, whispering reassurances in his ear. 

However, this time the tears didn’t stop. No matter how tightly he held Hongjoong, he couldn’t somehow convince Hongjoong that it was going to be alright, let alone himself. 

_ THE AFTER.  _

Seonghwa didn’t recognize them drifting apart at first. Hongjoong was pretty active in responding to his messages for the first few weeks of his internship. 

The “Good morning” and “Good night” texts Hongjoong sent always brought a fond smile to Seonghwa’s face, even if the time of day was completely the opposite of the message itself. 

However, after some time, they started talking less. 

The last message Seonghwa sent, left on “Delivered,” was still at the bottom of their chat. 

Days of waiting for a reply turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years. 

Seonghwa himself was buried under his own college work. Eventually, getting a message back from Hongjoong became the last thing on his mind. 

When he graduated, he stood alone in the midst of the crowd of students. It became ever so painfully obvious that Hongjoong, who would have been by his side, celebrating alongside him, was gone. 

Even after graduation, Seonghwa avoided talking about the topic of Hongjoong with anyone, even his circle of close friends. 

Eventually, when the emotional scars faded slightly, Yunho tentatively asked him, “What happened to you and Hongjoong? I thought perhaps…” he looked down at his feet, “… maybe there was the tiniest chance that you could convince him to stay.” 

Seonghwa laughed bitterly, the sound of his laughter echoing in his head, harsh and grating. 

“If Hongjoong were to choose between me and his dream,” he paused, lips curling upwards in a sad smile. “He would always, always choose his dream.” 

☽☽☽

Years later, Seonghwa found himself at his favorite bar yet again. 

Despite his friends’ warnings to not drink too much, he couldn’t resist coming back again to numb the pain. 

He chuckled to himself. How pathetic was he, to mope over emotional scars that had formed years ago? Why was he so weak? 

Feeling the alcohol slowly take control of his brain, desensitizing his surroundings, he leaned back slightly on the stool, savoring the feeling. 

“Seonghwa?” 

The voice was gentle, quiet compared to the ruckus in the rest of the bar. But Seonghwa couldn’t mistake the person’s voice for anyone else’s. 

“Hongjoong?” 

Seonghwa quickly turned to find that it was indeed Hongjoong, sitting a few stools down from him. The familiar red hair he had sported in college was gone, replaced by a chill silver tone. 

However, the same smile lit up his face. 

“You’re back in Seoul?” 

The familiar, not quite unpleasant feeling of not being able to breathe came back to Seonghwa, slightly suffocating him. 

Hongjoong nodded, taking a sip of his drink. “I finished my internship and came back here since KQ Entertainment scouted me. I’ve been producing for them ever since.” 

He flipped his left hand, palm facing up in an invitation to speak. “What about you?” 

For a moment, all the words Seonghwa wanted to speak got stuck in his throat, tumbling over the questions he wanted answers to. 

“I… opened a bakery down the block,” he managed to sputter out a response. “Everything’s been going alright.” 

Hongjoong hummed, drinking from his glass yet again. 

Seonghwa was struck by the electricity that stemmed from the distance between them. Even though they had never officially broken up with each other, it was painfully obvious what they were now. 

An uncomfortable silence fell over them, despite the noise that came from the rest of the bar. Seonghwa struggled to think of something to say to Hongjoong, but he found nothing. 

When he finally looked over to where Hongjoong sat a minute later, he found the stool empty, the glass on the counter abandoned. 

Now alone, Seonghwa exhaled sharply, the night’s events weighing on his mind. 

He wondered, how would things be different if the ‘now’ had never happened? To him now, being stuck in the past seemed really appealing. 

However, time flowed despite what happened. It didn’t wait for him, didn’t wait for anyone. 

He downed the last bit of his whiskey before standing up to leave the bar. 

**Author's Note:**

> my brain: write seongjoong angst  
> me: why  
> my brain: just do it
> 
> hehe the last day of seongjoong week is just a puddle of angst! i was listening to “whoops” by brb. on repeat while writing this ;3; brb. is a really underrated r&b trio, please do check them out! ^___^
> 
> i also had this one scene from meteor garden (a cdrama) in my mind while writing this (that one scene where the senior leaves the college because she wants to pursue her career in france or smth? idk her name,,, haven't watched meteor garden in a looong time haha ;___;)
> 
> drop a comment to lmk what you think !! :]


End file.
